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ch1

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Big Puerto Rico Class 100 Hero Joined: 26 Apr 2006 Posts: 161 Location: Cali	Posted: Tue Jul 25, 2006 1:40 am    Post subject: ch1   the title caught me and so i decided to check it out, the story seemed pretty good so far and short, there are some gramatical errors that i see for instance Quote: Paragon City. The city where heroes are born and legends are made. the period after Paragon City should be a comma, also some spelling errors but that could all be avoided by proof reading a couple of times, but of course there are usually things that will slip from you. the story for me, at least, seemed rushed. but, this is only the start of it. Ch 1 leaves things open for the next chapters, which can get someone lookin forward to the rest. pretty good. _________________ Till next time Big PR. "I believe the key to happiness is: some one to love, something to do, and something to look forward to." I roam in many places but mostly on the Triumph server.
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mrguy08 Class 100 Hero Joined: 26 Apr 2006 Posts: 223 Location: South Mississippi	Posted: Tue Jul 25, 2006 12:36 pm    Post subject:   I agree with Big PR. There are some serious grammar and spelling errors in here that need to be worked out. The story's not bad. The way its narrated really helps to have it take on a somewhat epic feel. The standard latent mutant powers that comes out when assaulted thing can be pulled off as long as you keep your character interesting as the story progresses. _________________ Example of irony: Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia= fear of long words.
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fixit God-like Powers Joined: 01 May 2006 Posts: 605 Location: Utah	Posted: Thu Jul 27, 2006 5:44 pm    Post subject:   Quote: There isn’t a single child in this world who has never dreamn’t about becoming a hero. That is the truth, and most of those children will never see that dream come true. Yet there are some who are fortuned enough to have those dreams become a reality, as they are born mutants. But there are those who until the time is right never know of their origin. Such one of those children is Kai Vallant a sixteen-year old boy who will definitely shake this world’s foundations. The way with which you open your story really had me excited. I could see something like this rolling before a COH movie started. But this little section also showcases the kind of spelling and gramattical errors that will pop up throughout the story. Garmmar and spelling habits come with practice. Without trying to sound mean spirited, I want to ask who do I care about Kai? The narrator gives a very brief description of a normal teenager who dreams of being a hero. Other than that, we know very little. We know nothing of his parents, his schoolmates, his teachers, enemies at school... etc. I realize that there are more parts to this story, and it is possible that these questions may be answered, or that they may prove irrelevant. The more background information, even if it is hinted at, the better. I don't want you to think I'm picking on ya, or that I disliked the story, I just need to see more of it. This has very good potential. _________________ Consider it fixed!
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Riotmech Class 100 Hero Joined: 27 Aug 2006 Posts: 148 Location: Home, staring at a blank screen	Posted: Sun Aug 27, 2006 8:15 am    Post subject: my storie   hi guys, i'm the author of Aven and i'm here to tell y'all that...you're right! i made some serious spelling errors writting this story and i'm usually a pretty good writter. The problem is that i'm a fast writter and sometimes i miss certain letters or even repeat them, so you can see why my story isn't as good as it should be. oh yeah, fixit i'm now working on the next chapter of the story, it's called Ogre the green beast and in this chapter you'll get a bit more insight on Kai Vallant's life. Well, thanks for your reviews and i hope to make up for this story's mistakes...
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DarkHarrier Bystander Joined: 03 Oct 2006 Posts: 11	Posted: Thu Oct 05, 2006 10:36 pm    Post subject:   OK Riot, you heard about the spelling and all that, but I wanna see the transformation as a much longer experience. This is the defining origin moment; drag it out like it has an rump-shakin booty! I can see the cheek markings will take some explaining but the physical action the hero is suddenly capable of, I want to understand why it is manifesting at this moment, and what he feels. It felt like, I was listening to someone describe an event they heard about years ago, rather than seeing it happen as it was happening to someone, where I can hear their thoughts and feel their emotions. I think this is a way for you to get that caring for the character mentioned by Fixit, as we hear about his reaction and surprise. _________________ Dark Harrier [Pinnacle] Samhein Greystar [Liberty] Deep Shadow Dragon, Demiise [Virtue]
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