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Awakening to a Nightmare

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Spark's Policeman Joined: 28 Jul 2006 Posts: 26 Location: Reeders, Pennsylvania	Posted: Tue Aug 08, 2006 12:54 pm    Post subject: Awakening to a Nightmare   hey kids. well, this is just something i had in the back of my mind for a while and had left one my WordPerfect for a while. so, i decided to submit it with "Oath of Blood and Thunder Part3". i hope you guys like it, i wanted to do something a bit more sentimental rather than my usual Spark's story line.
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mrguy08 Class 100 Hero Joined: 26 Apr 2006 Posts: 223 Location: South Mississippi	Posted: Tue Aug 08, 2006 1:51 pm    Post subject:   This is pretty good. As you said when you commented on Robozon's "Trapped in Dark Astoria" the old hero coming out of retirement thing never gets old. I like how you have a first person narrator but the story is about another character. One thing though, the Shadows that preceded the Skulls were in Perez Park which is where the Skulls got their start too. The Family owned Kings Row until they started dying out and moved to Independence Port which is when the Skulls moved into Kings. I'm a bit of a stickler for the game's official mythos. And by official I mean the stuff thats on the website. _________________ Example of irony: Hippopotomonstrosesquippedaliophobia= fear of long words.
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Spark's Policeman Joined: 28 Jul 2006 Posts: 26 Location: Reeders, Pennsylvania	Posted: Tue Aug 08, 2006 4:20 pm    Post subject: Answers   Well, the Crips were formed in LA, bu that doesn't mean they only operate in LA. The Hellions make their home turf in AP, but i see plenty in Kings Row. I just figured that the Shadows probably worked all over the city, not just in Perez Park.
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fixit God-like Powers Joined: 01 May 2006 Posts: 605 Location: Utah	Posted: Mon Aug 14, 2006 11:02 am    Post subject:   Personally, i have no real problem with gang activity being in any section of town. I try to use the game as a guideline, but keep in mind that there are always exceptions to the rule. I, like Mr., really enjoyed the first person narration of the third person perspective. It was a fun read and a good story. The dialogue was my only real problem. When you have someone narrating, there is no need to into scripted dialogue. You can use a he siad she said type dialogue and it will flow better. A scripted dialogue is perfectly clear as to who is talking, but it slows the reader down. That's my only criticism for ya. I really like the reporter angle on stories. Originally, Consider it Fixed was a narrated tale, but I changed it to a normal third person because I couldn't get it to read as smoothy as you have done here. _________________ Consider it fixed!
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Spark's Policeman Joined: 28 Jul 2006 Posts: 26 Location: Reeders, Pennsylvania	Posted: Mon Aug 14, 2006 3:43 pm    Post subject: Thanks   Thank Fixit. it seems as though you and mr are my biggest fans
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