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Villians R' Us

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Myths n' Wraiths Freedom Phalanx Founding Member Joined: 26 Apr 2006 Posts: 848 Location: I give a crap too ;) .	Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2007 1:15 am    Post subject: Villians R' Us   I love to see another work more oriented around CoV. Especialy one this interesting. A good plot so far, will be exciting to see what comes next. I won't say anything that will give the story away for those who haven't read it but I like how you wrote the first part of the story from the guards perspective and gave him such a believable and even enjoyable personality. All around very good work. Grammaticaly (i know, its the bane of our existence) run on sentances hurt the over all quality of your work. Don't get me wrong, the story was very enjoyable, but a few more periods would go a long way to improving and making your paragraphs flow better. Keep um' coming _________________ Murphey's Laws of Combat "A sucking chest wound is natures way of telling you to slow down."
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Altec Policeman Joined: 30 Jan 2007 Posts: 31 Location: The U of K	Posted: Thu Mar 01, 2007 10:03 pm    Post subject:   Thank you M&W Glad your enjoying it, on the grammatical errors bit. I couldn't ask you a favour could I I know your probably busy with your own stories but I wouldn't mind some pointers off you, say if you were too take one the paragraphs and give me an example of where im going wrong with the grammatical errors that would be a great help. I seem to improve my writing when i can physically see the problem or have some reference to guide me. Part two is half written already, the story as a whole is shaping up to be a good one. The only problem is having to come up with ideas to make 'A' go one way, while 'B' reacts to 'A', giving 'C' time to plot against 'A' and 'B', while 'C' uses 'D' to make E do something else, allowing A and B too.......ARRRGGHH *brain explodes*. Why did i start a piece of writing with so much intrigue in it Hope to hear your thoughts and the rest of the guys thoughts soon. _________________ "Who was that masked man?"
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Myths n' Wraiths Freedom Phalanx Founding Member Joined: 26 Apr 2006 Posts: 848 Location: I give a crap too ;) .	Posted: Fri Mar 02, 2007 2:30 am    Post subject:   For a request so sincerely made, I can MAKE the time. Keep in mind though, Vindea, my wife, edits all my stuff before I post it. I had to sweet talk my way through english 101 becuase of my poor grammer . But due to some very constructivve critiques and long hours of writing and editing I have improved marginaly. Quote: The sudden flaring of light caused his helmet to polarize against the brightness of a nearby lightening strike hitting one of the many lightening collectors dotted through the city, it converted the raw fury of nature into power for whatever the evil scientists in the lower bowels of Spider City safely in their labs were working on. This is a paragraph from early on in your story that I thought was very descriptive but when written as one sentance drags on. Seperating the the different subjects it could be written like this. A sudden flaring of light caused his helmet to polarize against the brightness of a nearby lightning strike. The brilliant bolt of light hit one of the many lightning collectors that were dotted through the city. It converted the raw fury of nature into power for whatever the evil scinetists were working on in the lower bowels of Spider City. Now that is a little choppy but I wanted to stick with your original wording as much as possible. I hope that helps. Perhaps someone with a little more gramatical skill could chime in with a more accurate example. _________________ Murphey's Laws of Combat "A sucking chest wound is natures way of telling you to slow down."
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pastarican Class 100 Hero Joined: 01 May 2006 Posts: 221 Location: Ohio	Posted: Fri Mar 02, 2007 7:49 am    Post subject:   I probably (and this is me) would say something more like this in the last part of your paragraph, Altec. ....converting the raw fury of nature into the power necessary to drive the twisted experiments being conducted by evil scientists deep in the bowels of Spider City. As far as intrigue goes...I would highly reccommend story-boarding it, writing brief paragraph synopses of scenes. That way, you can keep track of going on, as well as see any potential conflicts that could arise. -M-
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fixit God-like Powers Joined: 01 May 2006 Posts: 605 Location: Utah	Posted: Fri Mar 02, 2007 1:52 pm    Post subject:   The opening of this story was fantastic. I have never before felt bad for one of those arachnos bastards when they got taken out before. Now kicking those goons in the head will never be the same. I won't drag on about grammar, it's been gone over and you are taking steps to improve. Looking forward to the next installment. _________________ Consider it fixed!
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