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Could Do Better.

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Altec Policeman Joined: 30 Jan 2007 Posts: 30 Location: The U of K	Posted: Tue Feb 06, 2007 5:56 pm    Post subject: Could Do Better.   Hello there. Thought id be best to post first seeing as i have just re-read it after several re-re-reads and decided that I really need to do some major work on it Its my first Fan-fic but doesnt excuse some glaringly obvious errors i missed before submitting eg. Forgetting what the enter key did while writing the flashback sequence So looks like its back to the drawing board.....wait wait maybe thats were i went wrong using a drawing board rather than a word processor well any advice and tips will be much appreciated _________________ They didn't come in peace. They came in a Mothership. Their going to be leaving in a bodybag! Invasion : Issue 10 This time its Personal!
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PhoenixHawk Man of Steel Joined: 26 Apr 2006 Posts: 442 Location: as if anyone really gives a crap	Posted: Tue Feb 06, 2007 8:54 pm    Post subject:   Hey. First off, welcome to the Writer's Guild. I'm still amazed that 2 years into this site and we're seeing more new members every week. Since it's your first Fan Fic I'll throw some thoughts at you. I'm not bashing you by any means. If you've read the threads on these boards you'll see that we often critique and suggest things to help each other improve. Hell, my writing has gotten better by magnitudes from this. Your ideas and imagination are good. It takes a lot for anyone to sit down and write their first story. More to post it (as said by TGsAE, reading over my shoulder). Most people in the world never even formulate ideas or storylines, so the fact that you've organized them into something coherent says something. Technically there are a few things you could look into: First, makes sure a sentence is, in essence, single minded. Your first paragraph is only 2 sentences, the second of which should be three, but is combined into one major run-on. It's easier on the reader if you separate ideas into sentences of their own. Speaking of separating, make sure that when spoken text changes from one character speaking to another, it changes paragraphs. Quote: Mac here does Carmine knows the meaning of a day off,” he said angrily, “Watch your tongue Shiv,” a thick Italian accent replied “Or ill cut your tongue out if yous disrespect the boss anymore, you’re here cause Silva sent you to pays his debt. So that means your working for Carmine 24/7 or should I just get the boss to ring yours and tell him how your'e welching on his debt.” When you write a flashback, consider using italics for the whole thing, to indicate it is something different from the majority of the text. That's just a technique, but again it makes it easier on the reader. Last thing on sentence structure: Try not to use terms like 'well,' or 'now' at the beginning of a sentence unless it is in dialog or a persons thoughts. Saying : Quote: Now some two bit punks would have seen him as an easy mark, someone to shakedown for some money so they can go fuel there habits in whatever the kids were doing these days, well apart from that superdine crap the trolls were selling, who wanted to look like an extra for the Lord of the Rings movies and be thick as two short planks that had been cut in half and put together again. But though there was a few of them close by they gave the occupant of the bench a wide berth and no one in there right mind really wanted to make Mac the Shiv retainer for the Carmine Mob family mad unless they wanted to keep there body in 100% working order. "Now" is not needed in there, it's a verbal use of the word, not literary. (Also see above about run-ons) Final remarks: (This is one of Tropic's self-admitted pet peeves): There - denotes a place. They're - this means "they are" Their - this is possessive. (there are a huge number of people who flub that one every day, myself included). Ok, I hope some of those things are a start to look at. Like I said I'm not bashing you at all. You've taken a huge step that many never will. Should you continue with it, you will only get better. Look at the stories you read, find the things about them that you like and incorporate them into your own style. Good luck, and keep posting. We're happy to have you here. D
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Altec Policeman Joined: 30 Jan 2007 Posts: 30 Location: The U of K	Posted: Tue Feb 06, 2007 9:28 pm    Post subject:   Thanks Phoenix a few things to mull over there and nope I know your not bashing me.....Ill see you in sirens call for that.....err well if we wern't on different servers and countries that is Once again thanks for the advice because i cant wait to continue the Story Also before i forget Its good to be here also _________________ They didn't come in peace. They came in a Mothership. Their going to be leaving in a bodybag! Invasion : Issue 10 This time its Personal!
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pastarican Class 100 Hero Joined: 01 May 2006 Posts: 221 Location: Ohio	Posted: Wed Feb 07, 2007 7:26 am    Post subject:   First off, welcome! I guess PhoenixHawk covered all the things I would have said. I really enjoyed it; Mac is a very interesting character. Obviously, a lot of time and effort went into it. Keep 'em coming! -M-
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Voltech Class 100 Hero Joined: 26 Apr 2006 Posts: 152 Location: in front of the computer	Posted: Wed Feb 07, 2007 3:52 pm    Post subject:   Welcome to the writers guild. oh and dont take any of the constructive critism personally. Thier here to help. Believe me i got the same treatment when i was new and still kinda am. _________________ I didn't 'cause I could if i wanted too ~T.H.
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Ockham Freedom Phalanx Founding Member Joined: 25 Apr 2006 Posts: 873 Location: I give a crap!	Posted: Thu Feb 08, 2007 2:52 pm    Post subject:   Welcome to the boards. We all seem to be our own worst critics. I am with my stuff at least. I have done stuff I liked and others I hate. Like currently there is an "or die." that is just sticking me like the Circle of Thorns. I would like to build on what Phoenixhawk said. Watch the excessive use of "as." I good warning flag is sentences that start with it. I am not saying you can't use it because sometimes nothing can be said correctly if it is. I.E.: Quote: “Excuse me boys just got to check this money is right then im out of here” Mac walked over to the desk and unzipped the bag, he was coming to the end of count when he heard something from behind the door a muffled whimpering sound and chanting? Mac thought he was hearing things and accidentally knocked a stapler off the desk with his elbow. As he reached down to pick it up he caught sight of something in the bin by the desk, his emotions suddenly went from Ice cold to White Hot. Mac turned around and walked to where Bobby and Jackie were sitting. As he came up behind Jackie he said through gritted teeth “Hey this bag feels kind of light” and tossed the bag at Bobby who caught it, in that same instance he grabbed the back of Jackie’s head and slammed it hard on the top of the steel table hearing a sickening Crunch and felt Jackie’s body go limp under his hands. As Bobby tried to drop the bag so he could pull his pistol, Mac smashed his fist into Bobby’s windpipe causing him to stagger back clutching at his throat, he stepped in and Bobby’s eyes bugged out like in those Looney toon cartoons as Macs knee connected with Bobby’s groin. Bobby went down on his knee’s emanating a small “croaking” sound due to being hit in the throat, Mac finished him by bringing his knee up into Bobby’s face driving him up and over onto his back, as he landed Bobby’s eyes rolled back into his head and fell unconscious. There are many others just like this. It's just a matter of practice, training yourself to see it. "That" can be another culprit. The fact you have thought in this great detail is fantastic. Another good technique is using italics for different modes of thought/speaking. The key with picking a different style and sticking with it. I.E. Quote: “God I’m a mess there’s no way I can get into the estate looking like this” he thought staring at his blood caked tattooed arms... Typically quotes denote speech so let's try using italics: God I’m a mess there’s no way I can get into the estate looking like this, he thought staring at his blood caked tattooed arms... This is an internal monologue and helps delineate it as such. What about this: “God I’m a mess there’s no way I can get into the estate looking like this,” he thought staring at his blood caked tattooed arms... This could also be fine, but in worlds where telepathy exists I find this to be useful for internal thoughts being projected to others. Hence the quotes denotes speech. Italics can have other uses too, like mechanical voices and what not: “Warning!” a formless female voice said. “Shuttle velocity is incompatible to re-entry angle, please advise.” This case being a computerized voice. It helps emphasis a more mechanical feel. Just watch your run-ons and paragraphs which all seem to be rather large. Breaking up dialogue will help the large paragraph problems a lot. The only way any of us get better is practice, practice, practice. Keep writing and reading. Reading can be very beneficial when writing. I guess use everything in moderation. Hope some of this helps. I expect to see more from you in the future. Thanks for sharing your vision with us. _________________ Need a break from COH Fan Fiction? Try www.AnthonyHarte.com A Sci-Fi Fantasy Source.
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fixit God-like Powers Joined: 01 May 2006 Posts: 605 Location: Utah	Posted: Thu Feb 08, 2007 8:24 pm    Post subject:   Welcome to the party! I know exactly how frustrating it can be to write something, read it, read it again, edit it , read it agian and edit it about four more times, turn it in and hate it. Hell, I even had Tropic pull a story once, so that I could re-work it and turn it in again the following week. I don't really have anything to add to PH's & Ock's critiques, but I would like you to know that I read and did enjoy the story and look forward to hearing more from Mac. The game, CoH is by far the most friendly mmorpg I have ever played, and in true form, this is the best online community I have ever been a part of. Welcome to the club. _________________ Consider it fixed!
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Tropic Site Admin Joined: 25 Apr 2006 Posts: 295 Location: Florida	Posted: Fri Feb 09, 2007 1:46 am    Post subject:   Yes. Don't worry about stuff. As (ha! started with as!!! bwahahahaha!) time goes by something we said will pop into your head and will work! As (did it again!) far as feeling what you've turned in is awful...I speak from experience when I say that I've posted parts of my stories and thought "This stinks" and have people rave about how good it is. Which made me wonder if they were reading the same thing I turned in! And you'll notice also that you'll think this part is the best part of the story and have us pick up on something else. And, like me, you'll start to agonize over using 'with' or 'in' for an hour!! Oh what fun! Tropic
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Altec Policeman Joined: 30 Jan 2007 Posts: 30 Location: The U of K	Posted: Tue Feb 13, 2007 5:43 pm    Post subject:   Thanks for all the feedback guys Very helpful all of it, I will be doing the revision of the story soon as my life becomes less hectic than it is at momment Glad you enjoyed it _________________ They didn't come in peace. They came in a Mothership. Their going to be leaving in a bodybag! Invasion : Issue 10 This time its Personal!
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