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Chapter 15

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PhoenixHawk Man of Steel Joined: 26 Apr 2006 Posts: 442 Location: as if anyone really gives a crap	Posted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 6:06 pm    Post subject: Chapter 15   Ok, sorry for the late review Voyager. As you said in another thread, it's been a long week, one that just ended with my one and probably only short dive trip I'd planned for the year getting decapitated this morning. Anyway, this chapter continues the story well, keeps it moving forward. I liked the psychic link, and the referral to the time slip that it creates for the characters. It also uses the Crey storyline and history well from the official CoH bible. It would appear that the Revenant:Hero project is still underway in some form or another (the in-game arc that I used as a basis for my chapter of Origins by that same name). It paints a disturbing picture, a hero in a glass tube, blood mixing with water. On a technical side (prepare yourself, I'm not slamming you, just calling some shots...and it's been a bad day, so I apologize if I sound like a dick) when you end a sentence inside of quotes use a period. "Ow! Damn, Fixit, it hurts when you kick me in the nuts!" If you continue it with a he said or anything like that, you use a comma. "Come on, dude, it isn't that bad," Fixit replied. You have a tendency that some others here have as well to end the spoken sentence inside the quotes with a period, then put "he said" outside of the quotes, after the sentence has already been ended. "Yeah, it really is that bad." Ockham replied. (the above is gramatically incorrect, but several folks here do this.) I see some of your primary language slipping in where you use "spoke this person" or "that person spoke". The verbage there kind of broke the reading flow for me...it just wasn't all that smooth to get through. I always try to change it up by using "he said" "yelled xxx" "xxx replied". Something of that nature. Here's a personal note...just my opinion on this...your dissertations about the world or views of it, such as the beginning of the whole shebang talking about how quiet the fall from a high place is, are your strongest point. Those moments are, without a doubt, brilliant. They link the reader with the character on an emotional level, adding more than just a sight sense of what's going on. Of late that's a part that I've really tried to concentrate on myself, more than just action. As I said, you have a true gift when it comes to such things. The more you incorporate those into your story, the better your writing is. Anway, it's a good chapter. Hope I didn't get you too cheesed after reading this. D
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Voyager Class 100 Hero Joined: 28 Apr 2006 Posts: 130	Posted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 6:37 pm    Post subject:   Gah! "That's the last time I try and bring attention on meself," said Voyager... Not really aware that this was the way things were supposed to be written, I'm a bit annoyed to it find out, this late in the tale... Talk about one heck of an editing job right there.... But at this point, I will go on writing it as I have, until the end, and then will review it and correct it some for sure. Thanks for the review though, it opened my eyes to things I never knew were there (yeah, still luvs you). It's difficult to finish the tale, as always, there seems to be one more chapter waiting, all the time.
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PhoenixHawk Man of Steel Joined: 26 Apr 2006 Posts: 442 Location: as if anyone really gives a crap	Posted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 7:15 pm    Post subject:   I really hope you took the good parts I mentioned (or tried to) as well. As writers of a genre that is action based (all comic books seem to be, the game certainly is) it is sometimes difficult to bring readers into the characters minds, link them emotionally. As I said, reading thru the copious amounts of your story (Dear Lord, I'll be reading this for 80 years!!) there are moments when the thoughts in your head start to get to the page and it becomes impossible to turn away. D
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fixit God-like Powers Joined: 01 May 2006 Posts: 605 Location: Utah	Posted: Mon Jun 12, 2006 7:24 pm    Post subject:   "Waitaminute," came Fixit's confused reply. "I thought I was kicking Ock in the nuts. Who am i kicking, and how hard? Am I allowed to make anyone burp farts for a week?" I recently made this discovery and was quite apalled with myself for not having known it; considering myself somewhat of a grammatical know-it-all. Oh well, what's written that way is written that way, the new stuff has been written (for the most part at least) correctly. _________________ Consider it fixed!
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Voyager Class 100 Hero Joined: 28 Apr 2006 Posts: 130	Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 8:57 am    Post subject:   PhoenixHawk wrote: I really hope you took the good parts I mentioned (or tried to) as well. As writers of a genre that is action based (all comic books seem to be, the game certainly is) it is sometimes difficult to bring readers into the characters minds, link them emotionally. As I said, reading thru the copious amounts of your story (Dear Lord, I'll be reading this for 80 years!!) there are moments when the thoughts in your head start to get to the page and it becomes impossible to turn away. D I've been here long enough to see the value in each comments you guys leave. In a sense, they are very addictive and I count them as being paramount in helping me make this story all it should be. But I think we can all agree, that the very first reaction we feel when we read them, puts us on the defenseive. At least that's what it does for me. I'm not sure I will ever write again after 150 meters, this was more of an experiment, to see if I could see it through than anything else. And well, it started out because my SG and all it branches, were looking for someone to write a bio for the SG. I took up the challenge, and ended up on the receiving end of people wanting more, which is very pleasing BTW. As it was stated before, I think by me, praises are easy to come by from people who read, but analysis and constructive comments, so far, I've only found them here. This is true gold when one strives to get better and improve the foundations of writing style. Sheesh, such a long phrase to say "Thank you" is ridiculous.... Thank you.
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Myths n' Wraiths Freedom Phalanx Founding Member Joined: 26 Apr 2006 Posts: 848 Location: I give a crap too ;) .	Posted: Tue Jun 13, 2006 9:27 pm    Post subject:   The things that Fix was talking about is why I said I thought that english was not your first language. I personaly do not find it in any way detracting from the story. I have an overdeveloped apreciation for diversity in culture and languages I think. Still, he is correct. Don't worry, English is my first language and I still make some of the same gramatical errors. _________________ Murphey's Laws of Combat "A sucking chest wound is natures way of telling you to slow down."
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